I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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