I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you never un-have a 4some
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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