It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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