so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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