I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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