I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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