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I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
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