Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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