so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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