Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
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And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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