He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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