We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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