I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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