Swine flu is the new snow day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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