whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
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Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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