Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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