I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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