does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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