im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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