I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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