Its about making memories worth repressing
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
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Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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