Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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