Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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