MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
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you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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