I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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