Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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