They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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