How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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