I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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