OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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