I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
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I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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