this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize