i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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