I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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