i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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