Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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