Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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