So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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