I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
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I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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