im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize