I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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