nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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