i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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