saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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