woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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