i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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