Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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