So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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