I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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