Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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